I was angry, hurt and feeling helpless.
I could feel the emotional meltdown swirling within me and I had to get out before I made the whole house cry. I slipped on my coat and hurried out into the cold. Spring snow was crunching beneath my feet as I walked down the driveway. While I walked, I let the accusations fly.
“I’m not happy God! I don’t like this. You can change it, yet you do nothing!” I was reaching four year old tantrum status quickly, “It isn’t fair! Are you punishing me?” I yelled.
All my emotions released into the cold crisp air. “I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. I waited for you, and you never responded! And you know what else? I think it’s really crappy what’s happening in the Smith Family. They’ve love you and follow you and have prayed…They have a little boy, you know. He’s so young! How could you let death into their home?”
I could feel the tears welling up as my anger gave way to my sadness. I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring out, so I stopped walking instead.
“Where are you God?” I whispered sadly.
Suddenly I became aware of his presence near me.
“I thought you cared. Don’t you love us anymore?” I was crying now and while deep inside I knew that he did indeed care and that my verbal assault was unfounded, I let the words inside bubble out. Instantly I felt Him silently wrap his arms around my shoulders. “Don’t you have anything to say?” I asked.
“I’ll wait,” He answered quietly.
“Wait?! For what? For everything to totally fall apart? Are you waiting for me to say ‘you failed me’? Well, I feel like you failed me God. It isn’t one thing, its everything!”
I grimaced a little at my own words, still…now that I was being honest about my feelings; something told me that the LORD would see it through.
“I realize it isn’t fair to accuse you, but that’s how I feel.”
“I don’t want to hear about Job. And, you know what? He got a crappy deal too. Everyone says that Job was blessed in the end but no amount of money could make up for the children he lost. It doesn’t add up. You allowed the one thing that could never be replaced to be taken. How could you do that?”
Gently He responded, “Are you done yet?” His question rang out with a cautionary flair. I was going a bit too far. Stillness surrounded me.
When I answered my voice was barely above a whisper, “I don’t know,” I sulked.
For a moment we were both quiet and perfectly still, but he didn’t leave me.
Finally, God broke the silence with the same still quiet voice he had been using our whole conversation. “Look at the snow at your feet. ‘From whose womb comes the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens when the water becomes hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen? (Job 38:29, NIV) Do you know the laws of the heavens? (33) Do you send lightning bolts on their way? (35) Do you know when the mountain goats give birth? Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn? (39:1) Would you condemn me to justify yourself? (40:8)’ Do you not know that I love you? Will you not trust me to take care of your daughters? Do you think I have forgotten the Smith’s little boy? I created them. I formed them and I hold them in my hands even now. I know what they need. You love them, but you have no idea how deep and how wide and how high my love for my children is. Can you love them the way I can? Can you see the promises I’ve laid out for them?”
He was silent then, but, I could still feel Him standing beside me…waiting.
“Why do you love me God? Why do you pursue me?” I looked up to the clouds and whispered, “I’m sorry…It just hurts so badly. None of it makes sense, but it hurts.”
“I know,” He said sadly, “But, I’m not the enemy.” A quietness found us once again, but this time it was a contemplative silence. Then he said “Do you trust me?”
Thoughtfully, I looked back across the yard toward my front door, “Yes.”
We walked back toward the house and I knew something had changed inside of me. I knew then that he did hear me and that he cared. I knew that he had spoken to me gently when he could have squashed me. He didn’t respond at all like an angry God, but kindly, more like a very compassionate parent. A parent I frequently was not. All at once, I knew that I could trust him with my family’s future. I knew that he had been waiting for me to put down the facade and admit my anger and fear. I knew that he was with me and that I didn’t need to be afraid. I knew that God had met me, even in the midst of my meltdown. There was a peace that came then; a quiet assurance. As I turned the door knob and re-entered the chaos within my home, I quietly whispered, “Thank you LORD. Thank you for loving us.”
Author: Jacqi Kambish