The Presumptuous Ladybug

A blog about Faith, Family, Life....and Anything else

Tag: peace

Hope for the Disconnected Heart

I haven’t written anything in several weeks.  Somethings are hard to explain.  Somethings are hard to process.  Life isn’t an easy cake walk where you stroll along to the beat and, once in a blue moon, collect a prize just for trying.  Some roads you walk alone and it seems like there isn’t a soul on this planet who can understand exactly what’s going on inside.  It’s a messy journey and at the end of the day we can find ourselves tired, broken down and terribly disconnected from the world around us.

As a Deputy’s wife, a special needs Mother, a Christian, and a contemplative soul; I have found myself disconnected from the people in my life on a variety of levels on more than one occasion.  The result is my own internal spiral into silence; an awkward quiet where I desperately want to speak and connect and show you my heart but where instead only silence, or worse, inadequate words bounce around in the distance between us.  My quiet attempt to save you the awkwardness, and me the verification that we are walking different paths, can leave me stranded at sea while the cruise ship goes celebratorily sailing by.  The voyagers wave at me and I smile and wave back as they pass, and though I want to call out, and though I want to say, “Throw me a rope”…I can’t.  I even mutter that “I’m ok, just out for a swim.”  There are no words for deep sorrow and turmoil.  There is a hope that “this too will pass,” but also there is no explaining it; there is only silence.  There is only watching, and waiting, and feeling and silently screaming in the dark and wishing someone could hear it.

I want to be connected.  I want to be, not just seen, but understood.  I want to know that someone out there is bobbing in the waves, just as I am.  There is comfort in thinking you aren’t alone in the deep dark…but sometimes…you are.

And it can be easy to miss in someone like me.  I’m social, outgoing, and laugh easily.  I can find joy and humor even as my heart breaks.  It isn’t a mask; it is genuine joy in sorrow.  Optimism is easier to show the world, but it isn’t always the whole story and getting the other half of the story out is a much more difficult endeavor.  It isn’t me hiding; it’s me unable to communicate what’s turning inside.

So where does a heart deeply stranded and isolated find an anchor?

Where does a soul like mine grab hold when the waves are crashing and life makes no sense at all?

Where do we turn when there are no words for the brokenness?

Who can we trust?

I need to know, and maybe you need to know…

Because the looming question is…

If I let the waves take over, will I wash up on shore or drowned in the sea?

I can’t explain all of the sources of my grief here, but they do find me in multiple areas.  Some circle around, some are fleeting, and some simply take time to heal.

The really important thing is:  I do have an anchor.

I’m tied to something that keeps me from getting washed too far out into the ocean.

I’m tied to a source of strength that always pulls me back in; little by little, hand over hand until I’m safely on shore again.  Wet, soggy, exhausted and a bit beaten up…but standing on the shore, eyes on the clouds, as the sun breaks through.

I don’t have a “prayer language.” I don’t speak in tongues when there are things I can’t voice.  But that doesn’t mean I’m left without a life line to Christ or that we aren’t in communion.

For me, the greatest source of peace is right there in the torment of silence…just me and God; together in a quiet space of seclusion that no other soul in this universe can enter.

We don’t have to speak, we don’t have to communicate.  I have no words anyway.

But there is hope….there is assurance…there is the satisfaction and understanding that no matter how hard, no matter how deep the struggle within me…I am not alone.

He is there, always.

I can’t rely on people; they don’t always get it.  They don’t always understand.  They can be flaky and dismissive and hurtful.  They can leave me feeling lonelier and more disconnected than before.  And no matter how hard they try, I know…I always know…that soon they will be gone, chasing other dreams, other relationships, other friendships, other purposes, and other people.

And, I will be standing on the edge of the sea, peering into the swirling madness with God alone by my side.

No words are spoken because there is a knowing; an understanding between us…a conversation of souls in the silence.

The people, they don’t know.  We are disconnected, and maybe we can never be connected in the way I desire.   Even so, I am not alone.

You are not alone.

And there is peace there.  Peace in the knowing, in the silence, in the presence of God.  And there is comfort and tears and release and healing.

Right there in the mists of the sea, in the silence, in the storm.

Isolation, loneliness, disconnection, depression…

They can get a hold of any one of us.  But there is hope.  There is always hope.  No matter how bleak or desperate or hopeless you may feel.  There is hope.  There can be healing.  There can be rest.  There can be redemption, resolution, and recovery.

Stop fighting the terrifying waves and surrender to God.  Let Him pull you into shore; hand over hand, one day…one moment…at a time.  Stop looking to people to fill the void or bring healing; let God be your sanctuary, your peace, your anchor and your connection to life.

The hope for the disconnected heart is that we can be deeply connected to the One who created us; the faithful One who will never leave us, or disappoint us, or misunderstand us.

The One who knows…

even in the silence.

“The LORD is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  Psalm 34:18

“Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.” Psalm 34:8

 

Author: Jacqi Kambish

Note to readers:  Please know that I am not advocating that you reject treatment for depression when needed.  Counseling, medication, and proper care can be essential elements for health and wellness. 

Conclusion of “Is God REALLY Good?”

My oldest daughter lay beside me, breathing deeply and absorbed in the restful sleep of safety, trust, and contentment.  Her small 8 year old body was snuggled in close to me as she slept.

I lifted my eyes toward heaven as a tear escaped.

Parenting is hard, especially when they don’t understand.  Does she really believe that I have her welfare in mind?

Earlier in the evening she had approached me with bright excited eyes, “Look what I found Momma.  Oh I love it!  Look!  Isn’t it great?”

My heart skipped a beat and sank a little.  While the object itself isn’t important what it represented is.  In my knowledge and understand I recognized it as an object of dark magic; a sinister representation of the Devil himself disguised as something cool.

She didn’t know.  She didn’t understand.

I hesitated.  Her bright eyes dimmed a bit and her brow furrowed slightly as she picked up on my lack of enthusiasm.

“I don’t think I can let you keep that, Sweet Pea,” I quietly said.

Why was I being hesitant?  How could I explain it?   It felt like I was crushing her and she had no idea why and that saddened me.

“I don’t wanna give it away!  I want it.  I love it!” Her voiced raised slightly and took on a desperate whine.  “Why don’t you like it?”  She continued as she clutched the object to her chest.

I was quiet.  Was she ready to hear it?   Could I help her understand?  The darkness in this world is larger than she can imagine.   Should I offer her a glimpse?

If I tell her…will it frighten her or empower her?

“We will discuss it later.”  I told her as I set the table for dinner and bought myself some time to silently pray.

Later had come and gone.

I did my best to explain what the object represented in a way an 8 year old could, possibly, contemplate.

But she responded with, “I still don’t understand,” in a pouty voice.

“I’m sorry.  It just has to be.  We can’t keep it.  We can’t have it in the house. I have to do my best to protect you.  Daddy and I have to make hard choices to watch over you and your brother and sister.  Please know that it is my job to protect you even when you don’t understand or agree.”

She nodded slowly as she considered my words.

“Do you believe that I will protect you?  I have to protect you and do things to benefit you even if you don’t understand or like them.   Do you believe me?”

She looked at me, sadness and moisture filled her eyes. “I believe you…but I still want it.”

I hugged her, “I know.”

She had said she believed me, but something in her eyes told me she wasn’t quite sure; the verdict was still out for consideration.  In that moment, I began questioning my parenting skills; why was she not absolutely sure?

“Can I sleep with you?”  She had asked hopefully.

“Yes.”

She found comfort in my arms and fell asleep quickly.  I did not.

“Let her believe me.  Let her believe that I have her best in mind.  Fill the gaps LORD…please fill the gaps.” I silently prayed.

Sometimes God responds with silence and I simply trust that He hears me, but tonight He responded quietly in the dark, “Do you see?  Sometimes it is the same for Me.  I have to take things away, or make choices to protect your heart and soul.  Sometimes it’s hard.  Often my Children do not understand.  I can’t explain it in a way they will be able to.  There are things you don’t know that I have to consider…  Can you feel it now?  Do you believe Me?”

I want to.

I want to believe Him when life is crappy and there seems to be no end in sight.  I want to believe Him when tragedy strikes and sorrow overcomes my soul.  I want to believe him when I see the horrors in this world…

I want to believe that He isn’t responsible and that He ultimately has our good in mind.

I do believe  LORD.

I do believe that He is working for our good and not for our destruction but sometimes…it’s hard to see the good.

My next thought immediately followed His words to me…there IS someone hell bent on my destruction and it isn’t God..  The same someone I am trying to protect my own child against.

God isn’t then enemy who is guilty of horrors we can hardly whisper, Satan is.  And, we live in a world overcome by him and his cronies.  He seeks to destroy and he’s successful.  It’s his only job: destroy by whatever means necessary.

“Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the Devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  1 Peter 5:8

The good we do see, that is God.  That is God at work in a world owned by a evil dictator who hates us.

There is war here as well.  The war of God and His people lifting their voices, hearts, and souls against the spiritual attacks of a spiritual enemy.

Satan may be a worthy foe, but in the end he won’t be successful.

The idea that God is responsible for the bad in this world or that he has turned a blind eye is a lie.  The Devil loves to blame God because he is a liar and a thief and a destroyer.

God is good.

He is responsible for the only good we see in this world.  He has many attributes and goodness is an important one.  One we need to recognize, because if He is good then He cannot be responsible for the evil that is here.

He isn’t turning a blind eye either and one day the Devil, who is responsible for all these horrors, will pay for it.

“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the LORD.”

Romans 12:19

If we can believe that God is good, then like my daughter, we can rest in His arms and fall asleep in peace; because even when we can’t and don’t understand this world, or how God is at work…

When we can’t see any goodness or feel his presence…

We can still rest in the belief, knowledge and understanding that He is indeed good, and that He has our welfare in mind.  That He really is working behind the scenes for the betterment of the one thing He cares most about…our souls.

He wants freedom, peace, love, contentment, hope and eternal life for our souls.  That life, freedom and abundance is only found in Christ Jesus.

Maybe the question isn’t “is God REALLY good”…

Maybe it’s, do we trust Him?

Do we believe Him when He tells us that He is good?

Because, if we believe Him, it changes everything.

“But if serving the LORD seems undesirable for you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve…But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”  Joshua 24:15

Author: Jacqi Kambish

This is the conclusion of a 4 part series about God.  If you likes this post take a look at the others in the series: Is God REALLY Good?Who is God? Part 1Who is God? Part 2, and  Who is God? Part 3 (Is God REALLY Good?)